Are you excited? I’m excited.

My very first zine is now available. We’re still working on pricing for print copies, and making posts in places, but it can be viewed by clicking this link.

I am now accepting Paypal donations if you notice the big “donate” button to your right. If you are viewing this message in your email or reader, the Paypal address is tmonilin80@yahoo.com .

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful friends over at Thaura Zine Distro for helping me put this together. Aaminah, Mai’a.. I love you guys!!

Now go read, donate, and tell 5 of your friends.

UPDATE: If you would like a paper copy, the suggested donation is $4 (or more, if you can) to help offset printing and mailing costs. Check with the good folks over at Thaura Zine Distro or contact me directly for more information.

privilege

i’m sick
of being told
that i hold hate
for people
what about the hate
that people
hold for me?
i’m told
to create a
safe space
for people
that have no space
for me

because i don’t
identify
as what
you want me to be
does that mean
my rights
my life
my being
are illegal
invalid
or just unpleasing
to you?

fuck you

and your privilege
too

i’m tired
of having to justify
why i do
what i do
why i say
what i say
only to have you
argue with me
tell me
what i should
do and say and be
excuse me
isn’t this
my skin
i’m living in?
thank you
now
go away

you seek
to deny
me
my existence
because
it’s not what you see
in that mirror
that you keep
locked away
out of the fear
that i will
somehow
contaminate your space

where’s my safe space?

i had a place
once upon a  time
but then you came
to invade
took credit
for my work
reaped the rewards
of what i made
and claimed
i had
no right

fuck you

and your privilege
too

can’t complain

—————————————

why should i

dry my eyes

when only more tears

will run

in the place

of those already

fallen

sliding along

the old tracks

why should i

hide my pain

when my heart

is bleeding

and my soul

has no rest

and my mind wanders

with nowhere

to go

but try as i might

to let it all go

i find

i can’t

complain

for some reason

i can not explain

my tongue

will not allow

my mouth to

complain

i fear

the coldness of

the stares

that i think i would

receive

if i laid

my burdens

down to sleep

inside i keep it all

and i vow

never again

shall i complain

why should i

despair

when my joy

is all around me

i may not

have a friend

but i can not

complain

life

it’s me
my brain
my insecurities
i’m distracted by life
and bills
and how jiggly my gut is
and whether my jeans make me look fat
or if i’m screwing up my kids
can i be
a mother and a writer
a wife and a poet
a woman and an activist
using the personal as political
or do i have to choose?

every morning
i wake up
thank my Lord
kiss my kids
flutter my lashes at my man
stretch and kick and twist and reach
on my purple mat on the floor
pour some cereal
pack a lunch
and make a cup of tea
there’s dishes to do
baths to run
floors to sweep
and crayon to clean
off the wall
and then
i
try
to
write

only now
my brain is full
and my legs hurt
and my feet are swollen
and my voice is raw
from yelling “sit down”
“share”
“don’t do that”
“will you STOP?”

and my characters weep
because their stories remain
untold

i thought of a poem
you see
about clouds and trees
and peace and dreams
and the view
i see from my window
but a child came in
and asked for toys
and lunch
and permission to run outside
in the rain

and i got distracted
again

and went to play

the unknown

what you don’t know about me

will contribute to your failure

to surpass me

such history that you refuse to see

that directs my steps

toward victory

continuously

underestimating me

attributing my dreams to simple lunacy

chalking up my passions

to irrationality

while you duck and dodge

responsibility

how envious of me

your spirit light must be

to thrust upon me

such a false prophecy

what you don’t know

about me

is that i rise from the flames

stronger

better equipped

ready to use my intelligence as a whip

slice through the illusion

of being blissfully free

drugged and alienated

trapped by tv

no more for me

i seek the knowledge

of those who came before

forcing the line forward

struggling against the downpressors

putting down the stones

that my feet now tread upon

see

this

is what you don’t know

about me

i can look beyond the veil

and see shapes in the firelight

ball up my fists and

hold my own in a fair fight

i can stand in the sunshine and

roam through the night

i put my heart on my sleeve

and guard it

jealously

you could write a book

you see

with what you don’t know

about me

and why should you care to know

the thoughts in my head

the unspeakable injustices

that set my teeth right on edge

the unquenchable thirst

of who

what

how

important could they be?

these little things

that you don’t know

about me

can’t you hear them
crying out
for release and
shouting out
for peace and justice and
lingering
wandering this realm of
inequality

lost souls here
should say the sign
above the pit
in which we fall
when we fail
to stand our ground
and fight the war
cowards live
to tell the tale
full of misdirection and half truth
and boast
don’t believe the people
they lie

follow the gourd
follow the stars
follow the river of truth
it’ll help you to disguise
the stench of hate
the smell of greed
the filthy coating of
other folk’s misdeeds
you better run
you better pray
you better dance a thanks
to the ancestors
for paving your way

can’t you hear them
crying out
the pain they’ve suffered
so we can live
can’t you hear them
shouting out
the true history
of who you are
can’t you feel them
lingering
guiding your steps and
blessing your blood

Just over a year ago, I wrote and posted this poem for the first time. I think it’s time to share it again..

—————————————————-

walk this way

in this best case scenario

i’m watching the watchers

that are watching me

undecided about the level of hostility

that they should give me

i can hear their thoughts

broadcasting loud and clear

is this a sneak attack?

should we protect the rear?

when i’m just a lone woman

walking

towards the destiny

that Allah the Most High

has set in front of me

i’m a teacher i’m a mother

i’m daughter i’m a lover

my existence in this life

is as it should be, see?

if you view me as a threat

your mind is small and closed

my only weapons are intelligence

knowledge and experience

wrapped up in the faith

that’s gonna set me free

i can only testify

that the path i walk

with measured steps

is paved with uneven stones

and in places

it has crumbled

leaving gaps

that make me stumble

and throw my rhythm off

leave me wandering

and discombobulated

i knew

that it was not meant to be easy

but harsh reality

sometimes appears to tease me

dangling the shiny things

money cars and diamond rings

status wealth and power

with minions to control

trying to

exploit my weakness

trying to tempt my soul

but i face the east and pray

with my head bowed low

Another repost from the early days…

—————————————————

lost onez

we wuz gonna be superstars

wid poofy hair and painted red lips

sashay our hips

across the stage

while the world worshiped

at out feet and the drumbeat

matched our heartbeat

and sent us higher

and we thought we reigned

we wuz Queens in our own right

dreaming expensive dreams

wid dangling hoop earrings

and trinkets and things

spending the imaginary millions

the Rock Man promised us

and all we had to do wuz choose

we wuz gonna be superstars

but the light burnt out

and the night turned cold

heat flashed around us

suffocating me teasing me

forcing me from my spot

hiding underneath the flesh

of my sister while the cameras rolled

Rock Man shook the hand

of Mr. Big Shot Man

his skeletal grin stretched tight

across his face

the Blue Boys came

and they took her away

slapped me in chains

we wuz gonna be free

from agony and tranquility

would flow through our souls

but the peace i got

looked not like the piece i sought

of the amerikan dream

my sister is dust

and me a former shell

of the raising hell

Queen i used to be

when the street lights come on

that’s my cue to be

the superstar i never wished to be

So I’ve been working.. writing, I should say. Poetry book. Couple of novels. Being a mommy, wife, student of knowledge. So, here’s an old one, but a good one. you may have seen this before, but it bears repeating.

———————————–

World News Tonight

pride is my mistress envy my sin

but that’s just the way

of the world

maybe weight

of the world

resting on my shoulders

no college degree

stuck sittin’ watchin’ T.V.

it brings the news the pain the fear

September 11, 2001

a date etched in my memory

pockets empty shoes talkin’

good man walkin’

scraping by the skin of his

unwashed neck

“spare some change?” the old man asked

no victory defeated

his life left incomplete

a real live ghost

nobody knows his name

what would have happened that day

had he made that train

was his destiny in 2003?

knock three times on the door

to Hell

oops i mean the door to

Sincerity

Serenity Tranquility

lights got cut off

no gas no water no Nintendo

and the phone bill is overdue

soup for dinner

it’s the middle of winter

re-po man behind door number 2

i don’t know NATO

my job moved to Mexico

i don’t remember this part of

The Dream

the blues the greens the grays

it’s all the same

called the pray-a-thon number

got hung up on

the suicide hotline couldn’t stop me

on my knees thinkin’

what’s the use

misery is callin’ me

got chased down the street

rabid pit bull houndin’ me

followin’ me murderous gleam

in her eye

Mad Cow came to visit

tried to find a new religion

but the mad bombers found me

guerrillas in my backyard

snipers on the roof

cell phone takin’ pictures of me

applied for credit got denied

somebody stole my identity

finally woke up in the morning

thought it was a brand new day

but then i had to get out of bed….